


the white whale

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-16 00:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13624701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: Ryan has a recording oftwoghosts from the latest house they slept in.Shane doesn't agree.





	the white whale

**Author's Note:**

> wow ella, didn’t you say no shyan until femfeb was over? and that's why their cute cat fic isn't being written?  
> well uhhhhh *runs away*

Holy shit. 

Ryan amplifies the background noise and listens twice more before getting up. This is it. He _finally_ has proof so solid even the oversized giraffe will agree with him. Sure it’s fainter than Ryan would like- but it’s _clear_.

Shane eventually joins him in the sound booth twenty minutes later, but he is holding two coffees. “I hope you didn’t get all excited over leaves rustling.” 

“Such a dick,” Ryan mutters shaking his head. “Here,” he says, handing him a notebook and pen. “You’ve been complaining about me prompting you, so write down what you hear. I’ve only heard the first minute or so, so we can compare after.” 

“Oh goody,” Shane says, sipping his coffee. 

Ryan hits play, exhilaration building in his chest. This could be it- really this time. The definitive evp to prove ghosts and that analog could totally capture them. 

_‘---ebra you bitch.’ ‘…no. Ca----’ ‘--wh.’_

Ryan hits pause, looking at Shane. “So?” 

Shaking his head, but smiling, Shane says, “Alright I got: _Debra you bitch. Owl hoot. Branches on window._ ” 

“Dude.” 

“What? The first sentence is there, sure,” Shane says.

Ryan exclaims, “The last word was the same voice as that sentence!” 

“Moving on-”

“Wait, so you agree ghost on the first sentence?” Ryan interrupts. 

“What? No. There must have been someone else staying in the house with us,” Shane says, and oh victory is sweet. Ryan’s been hoping Shane would suggest this. 

“We were clearly alone! And I asked the groundskeeper dude, we were the only ones there,” Ryan says. 

“Huh. Maybe our equipment is too sensitive?” Shane muses.

Ryan snorts, a wispy laugh escaping him and Shane chuckles as well. “You get me, maybe there were people outside.” 

“Whatever. I haven’t heard the next bits but there’s more activity, so will you agree two distinct voices imply ghosts?” 

“What? That’s not at all-” Shane starts.

“Alrighty,” Ryan says hitting play. 

Shane rolls his eyes but doesn’t protest, and Ryan listens. 

_‘-ees.’ ‘----mm.’ ‘Fuck!’_

Shane hits pause this time, laughing. “I don’t think we should listen to any more.” 

“ _What_! Dude, no way! This is the clearest communication I’ve ever recorded-” Ryan starts. There’s no way Shane’s debunking the most solid evidence so easily. 

“I’m pretty sure this is a sex tape.” 

Ryan crosses his arms, “No. Not of _living_ people anyways. We were the only ones in the house and no way were two people going at it outside our window.” 

“Maybe they were sneaky,” Shane nonchalantly suggests as if people generally climb two stories up on a tree to have sex. (And yikes, that’s a creepy-weird idea to freak him out later.)

Ryan rolls his eyes, “I asked the groundskeeper if he saw anyone besides us and the camera crew on property and he said no.” 

“Oh baby, I know what that means.” Shane teases. 

“Go fuck yourself.” 

Shane laughs, “That’s what happened, I like doing voices to get myself off. I dunno how you missed it last night.”

“I would fucking kill you,” Ryan says, ears burning. The idea of Shane right beside him, in his sleeping bag- nope. Bad ideas. Not going there. 

“Fuck are we recording? You threaten to murder me way too often,” Shane says. 

Ryan smiles, “I can stop threatening.” 

“…somehow that sounds worse.”

Ryan hits play, and muffled moans pour through the speakers. 

“Okay,” Ryan admits, “maybe it is a sex tape, but-”

“Don’t you fucking say it.” 

“-a _ghost_ sex tape!”

“Goddammit,” Shane sighs.

“No really, listen- there’s no audible furniture-” 

“Because they’re outside,” Shane says quickly. 

“- _Or_ body noises,” Ryan adds. 

“And we should be thankful for that,” he says.

Ryan shakes his head, “Because ghosts _don’t have bodies_.” 

“So how exactly are they having sex then? Just floating through each other?” Shane asks. “Sounds groovy.” 

“I dunno- their energy must interact some way,” he answers. 

Shane strokes his barely existing beard, “This is the most bullshit idea you’ve ever told me.”

Ryan grins, “So lizard people-” 

“Oh fuck you,” Shane says, and the recording gives a louder scream. “It does sound like two different voices, I’ll give you that.” 

“Thank you,” Ryan says, pleased. 

“Because two people definitely snuck into the house and fucked. Probably have some abandoned houses and grimy walls kink,” Shane says. And no part of that sentence should send shivers down his spine, not like _that_. 

“I hate you.” 

“Pretty sure Buzzfeed isn’t gonna allow us to use this footage,” Shane says, because he’s just a ruiner. Loves ruining things, probably something to do with being so damn tall. 

“Oh you wait, this is happening,” Ryan says. “I’ll put it on the dark net if I have too, for all my boogaras.”

“You don’t even know how that works,” Shane ruiner Madej says. 

“Shut up, at least one person in the office will know how to do it.” 

The recording stops, and Ryan clicks back to near the beginning. “Seriously dude, listen again. I don’t think there’s _anything_ we picked up other than voices which points to supernatural. Two people would have hit walls or whatever.” 

“So first ghosts can open doors and shit, and now they can’t- make up your mind.” 

“Oh fuck you, you know that’s not what I mean here. Like they’re using all their energy on each other not on the physical realm,” Ryan says.

“Mhmmmmm,” Shane draws out obnoxiously long. “I have a feeling the case of ghost sex will remain unsolved.” 

“You’re the worst,” Ryan says, refocusing on the recording.

“Hey!” Shane interrupts a moment later, talking right over most likely Debra’s noises. “I know how we can solve this one.” 

“Are you just being a dick or do you have a real suggestion?” 

Shane’s grin widens, meaning he’s definitely about to be a dick, and he says, “We can record us having sex in the house and see if it sounds the same.” 

Ryan spits out his coffee, notes speckled with tan spots. “Are you- fuck you man.” 

“Yeah we can do it that way, I’m flexible.” 

It feels like the very breath has been punched out of him- way too many thoughts and fantasies he’d pushed down all coming up, and he barely manages to reply, “You’re such an ass.” 

Shane’s grin is impossibly big, all toothy and too inviting.“You wanna solve your case or not… baby?” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, “Yeah sure, lets just drive back to Nebraska tonight, have sex in the grungy room, get five hundred diseases, and then you’ll still claim it wasn’t ghosts.” 

“Sounds like a fun evening. C.C. Tinsley would approve.” 

“I hate you so much.” 

.

Unfortunately Shane is right about them not being allowed to air the footage. Some bullshit about potentially living people making the noises, and related legal issues. 

(Moreover, how the fuck is he supposed to jack off and _not_ think of Shane now? Goddamn ruining jackass.)


End file.
